I honestly don’t have any other way to just remain calm right now. The littlest things are stressing me out, like how the internet keeps faltering and I can’t get my TV addiction to numb all the craze that’s going on inside my head. I wanna shoot myself in the head to shut the clutter up! And the worst part is I can’t even talk to my own damn boyfriend because he’s off somewhere in his own fucking mind and won’t come back to me. I CAN’T DEAL WITH STRESS. GUESS WHAT WORLD: I’M NOT STRONG. Stop telling me I am everyone, because you don’t see me here right now going insane over the smallest things. Nothing is in my control anymore. I don’t even control my own life. Because I don’t try. I can’t sit down and control my life, I just expect it to work out on its own. Instead, I’d much rather help everyone else out instead of dealing with the dreams I haven’t defined yet, attempting to succeed at the goals I can’t conceive, I can’t grasp, I can’t explain. I have no dreams, no goals, no ambitions. I am an empty cup expecting someone else to fill me up, somebody else to tell me what is wrong and what is right. Whatever happened to my sense of independence, my sense of definition and my defiance and my hard-headedness? What happened to the clear path, the ease, the flow, the fluidity, the SENSE I HAD CREATED. No confidence, no passion, no drive. I am a limp form of a human being, a deflated balloon already lost of its flexibility and its capacity to be filled with helium to lift it to the sky. I sound like I’m 70 years old and yet I am still as naive as the slutty 13 year olds having their first alone time with a boy. What am I fighting for? I’m fighting for a boy so that I can hopefully not die feeling lonely on this god forsaken planet just like everyone else. But isn’t that the sad story of life? Run away from its purpose, only to finally realize you should’ve embraced it all along? Nobody gets it. NOBODY GETS IT. We all just put on that face of “It’s all under control” but we all know better. Nothing is under fucking control. What does that word even mean if it doesn’t even exist? You try to control something. You never can fully expect the results. Nothing is predictable. Nothing is expected. Those words are irrelevant to life.