When you literally wanted to do everything in your life with them & now they’re just a stranger <<<<

I’ve accepted that you did not love me, that you did not see me. That your heart did not burn for me the way mine did for you.

And that’s ok. I release you.

I really thought it was gonna be me n u

And even now, I wish I could just text you

And say come get me

Take me out of this place

Take me home to you

Cuz home to me was in your embrace

And I don’t understand how you didn’t feel that too

How could you leave this behind?

What the hell was going on in your mind?

Was it always one-sided?

I cannot imagine

You didn’t feel the burning passion when we were entwined

How could you let that go?

…

Was I just delusional?

I think of all the apologies id make

For pushing you away, feeling afraid

that you never wanted to stay

Was my intuition on the nose,

or did I project & manifest you to go…

I guess I’ll never know.

Cuz I haven’t heard from you since we left things off on a “better note”

I held up a strong facade when you said you were too broken to fully give in to this

But baby the facade is crumbling down.

And all I want is you to come take me home.

Never let go of me, see this all the way through.

Let our love blossom & flourish to the end of the earth cuz that’s what I saw with you…

That’s all I ever saw with you.

I guess I was delusional.

Hi, I thought about everything that was said yesterday and the last couple of months, & I wanted to leave things on a better note. I don’t blame you or myself for how things panned out; I think it’s fair to chalk it up to timing. From day 1, we’ve been on different pages & it turned into a constant game of tug o war except clearly no one really wins. Still, I’m sorry it ended the way that it did, it wasn’t what I wanted. I’m sad and disappointed, but you were right to say that it wasn’t fun with the fundamental disagreeing. And it was becoming hurtful, as well…it was very hurtful for me to feel like the person I was spending all of this intimate time with, being emotionally open and available to, wasn’t able to claim me & tell me that they wanted me in their life as a partner. And that began to close me off & I can’t be my loving self when I have to shut off my emotions for my well-being. I’m sorry for pushing you & making you feel like you’re not enough, I never once believed that about you. What wasn’t enough for me was jumping into the water all-in emotionally, and knowing the other person wasn’t ready to. I don’t fault you and I wouldn’t want to leave things on a bad note. Maybe eventually we can be friends, but a lot of time would need to pass for me. I still wish you well from a distance.

Hi, I’ve thought about you, so much. All the time. Wishing things were not the way that they are. The truth is I was feeling myself falling in love for you, and we just never got to that part. I wanted to tell you. I knew last Saturday on my couch; you were air strumming a ukelele & the feeling hit me in the lungs. Or maybe it was just the shrooms talking. But I was feeling it, hard for you. And I think you always knew that. I made it fucking obvious how I felt about you, I can’t hide my feelings for shit. Not that I would ever truly want to. I’m a sucker for falling in love.

I thought about our future together a lot. I wanted to go on adventures with you. Meet your family and friends. Live with you. I thought about the whole 9 yards. Maybe that’s just delusional fantasy but I wanted it with you. I thought about it being me, you, Dex & Luci. I thought about how to introduce them so that they would get along. It would take a few days after you guys moved in, but once they knew each others’ smell, it would be smooth sailing. Maybe they’d start cuddling, and then it would be a giant cuddle puddle every night. It fucking sounded perfect.

I miss fucking you. Kissing you. Every little touch. Your fingertips everywhere. It was intoxicating being with you. It wasn’t about penetration, yknow? Sex with you felt like we were pouring ourselves into each other. Idk that sounds corny. But last Saturday was on a whole other level. After that I lost my cool. It broke me that you didn’t know what you wanted after that. How could you not? Why didn’t you want to be with me…maybe everything that I felt for you was one-sided. Unrequited. The worst kind. It’s too angsty.

Hi, I’ve been doing some reflecting on everything, & I hope me saying this is more helpful than harmful, but I wanted to own up to the harms and roles I played in our dynamic. It is clear to me that I was triggered a lot during the time we spent together. I was ugly at times, and I’m not proud of the ways I behaved. I understand why I went to that place multiple times. I felt unwanted by you, and that feeling is a familiar and haunting place for me. Some of my reactions were a projection of my past hurt, & you didn’t deserve that. We all have those wounds inside of us, & sometimes they get the best of us. I feel guilty and sad that I hurt you and pushed you to your edge, when you needed patience and understanding. I’m sorry. I felt like I was at my breaking point, too, hearing that you felt unsure about me.

Heartbreak love letters are the most forlorn, because they come from a place of desperately wanting to connect to someone you no longer can. A cry out loud to the one the hurt you, disappointed you, and ultimately needed to be let go.

While I loved him, I fought with him for months to connect in a deeper way, about our insecurities and our attachment issues, and finding real solutions to our unhealthy dynamic. He was always so loving and affectionate towards me, but when it came down to it, love to me means vulnerability, it means being truthful to your feelings, and having the courage to put it all out there for your partner to see and to love and to heal with you.

I sensed the hostility in him. I felt the double-edges of his cutting words. And yet, there was never real acknowledgment of his feelings. There was never a real ownership, and because of that, I could never get to a deeper place with him.

I acknowledge that I tried over and over. It didn’t feel right. I was hurting and bleeding. The healing begins with me letting go of blame of him and of myself, and forgiving myself for not being perfect, embracing myself for my flaws and my tendencies, and showing myself kindness around the less glamorous parts of me. I accept myself, my anxious thoughts, my way of trying to understand and get ahead of making mistakes. I release those things because I am lovable, and I don’t need to overcompensate to find love.

It seems he is fine, and better off without me. And that’s ok. We both deserved better.

Heartbreak love letters are the most forlorn, because they come from a place of desperately wanting to connect to someone you no longer can. A cry out loud to the one the hurt you, disappointed you, and ultimately needed to be let go.

While I loved him, I fought with him for months to connect in a deeper way, about our insecurities and our attachment issues, and finding real solutions to our unhealthy dynamic. He was always so loving and affectionate towards me, but when it came down to it, love to me means vulnerability, it means being truthful to your feelings, and having the courage to put it all out there for your partner to see and to love and to heal with you.

I sensed the hostility in him. I felt the double-edges of his cutting words. And yet, there was never real acknowledgment of his feelings. There was never a real ownership, and because of that, I could never get to a deeper place with him.

I acknowledge that I tried over and over. It didn’t feel right. I was hurting and bleeding. The healing begins with me letting go of blame of him and of myself, and forgiving myself for not being perfect, embracing myself for my flaws and my tendencies, and showing myself kindness around the less glamorous parts of me. I accept myself, my anxious thoughts, my way of trying to understand and get ahead of making mistakes. I release those things because I am lovable, and I don’t need to overcompensate to find love.

It seems he is fine, and better off without me. And that’s ok. We both deserved better.

Instead, my energy is going towards nurturing the parts of me that are still susceptible to my old narrative and mindset, and releasing what is not serving me.

official-lucifers-child:

i would like to wish all trans women, queer women, woc, disabled women, and neurodivergent women a very happy international women’s day

(via iloveeverythingwaytoomuch)